


Lost in Noise

by YeahMeRule



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Awkward Dates, Dorks in Love, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Lack of Communication, Loss, Love Confessions, M/M, Oblivious, Plans, Problems, Shiro is Bad with Feelings, Slow Burn, Stubborn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-09-22 02:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9578669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeahMeRule/pseuds/YeahMeRule
Summary: Shiro might be a great leader, but he is not great when it comes to communicating his feelings.In his desire to tell Keith what he feels, he asks for help from the others.Together they build up a plan, but Shiro fears that it will fail.Can he learn to share his feelings?Will it be too late once he does?





	1. What did I do wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost, this is a stupid idea that takes place after episode 8 so watch that before reading or else spoilers!  
> Else than that, please enjoy!

There was something sad about being the leader, and the oldest paladin. He alone was supposed to know most answers, be able to come up with a plan in any situation, but more than that be emotional support when doubts filled their heart. Of course the others did help a lot, something Shiro was very glad for, but in the end he stood alone. Who was supposed to give him support when he needed it? With these dark doubts within his heart, he found it difficult to connect to the group on a deeper level than what they already had between each other. Despite their fights, they knew that they had flaws and that they were allowed to make a mistake. Lance and Keith had their fights, but in the end they also had each other’s back. Hunk and Pidge might be completely different personalities, but still enjoyed the company of the other. In a way, Shiro was proud of them all. They were thrown into this war that they had no control of, and yet they stayed hopeful, they stayed human. Compared to him. 

More than being emotionally detached from the group, Shiro felt himself more and more detached from humans. After being caught by the Galra, kept in their prison for a time he barely remembered, he did not feel human any more. In the pain, he lost his arm and the strongest part of him was now the mechanical replacement that served as a weapon, but also as a reminder of his time in captivity. While the others saw him as the leader, he saw himself as nothing more but a monster in need to regain the humanity he lost. His heart was filled with warmth for the fellow paladins, a care for their universe, and the responsibility that had been stowed upon him. This all made him capable of handling the insecurities within him, holding back the monster from the surface. For deep within him, he knew that there was something he was capable of doing, something that could burst out in the wrong time, the wrong moment. How could he be the leader when he saw no future for himself? 

All these thoughts, all these worries, they all tended to grow in intensity when the rest of the paladins slept peacefully in their rooms. While everyone was fast asleep, he found himself wandering around the castle, feeling the presence of the long dead Alteans that had once lived within these rooms.  
One night as he was walking with the deep frown upon his forehead showing clearly of the troubles in his heart, he ran into someone. It was not usual for him to meet anyone while he was up unless it was Hunk that was in the kitchen for a midnight snack, or Pidge by her computer somewhere. 

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” he asked before even seeing the person he bumped into, so sure for the other to simply listen to his request. For usually they did. Hunk always returned to his room with a plate of space goo or something he made himself, and Pidge always packed her stuff and apologised for forgetting about the time. Always, and always they did as they were told, and Shiro always made sure to listen to whatever they had to say on their way back to the rooms. 

“Shouldn’t you be?” the question caught Shiro slightly off guard and he looked up, awoken from his thoughts only to see Keith standing before him. He had met Keith in these halls at night before on some occasions and managed to get him back to bed, but he knew that this man were up more than that. For some reason, Keith tended to avoid him at night, most probably so that he could think alone. Shiro did not judge him. 

“No need to throw the question back like that” Shiro said, smiling slightly as to keep his friendly façade. Actually, he felt a bit concerned. Since their meeting with the resistance Galra at the headquarters for the Blades of Marmora, Keith had been awfully silent. More than ever, Shiro saw him filled with thoughts, unresponsive when someone called for him as if he was so deep in thoughts that it took time for him to resurface. Due to this, and the revelation that Keith was in fact half Galra, Shiro had been watching him a lot. Seeing the worries within his eyes, the pain as Allura straight out ignored him just because he had Galra blood within his veins, it was all saddening. If Shiro was honest with himself, he felt furious at Allura for behaving so unfairly. He knew more than anyone that the Galra were not all bad, and how it felt like to be seen as a monster. 

“No seriously…” A hint of concern could suddenly be seen in Keith’s eyes, and Shiro’s heart skipped a beat. “Why are you always walking around so late at night? I’m not the only one to notice that you patrol these halls like some sort of guard… Why?”

Shiro swallowed thickly. If anything, he had not been prepared for this question, not tonight as his fears and nightmares had been wrecking his mind more than usually. “I am just checking so everyone is asleep and well…” he spoke, trying his best to sound as honest as possible as to not create any further suspicion. “We can’t have anyone of us in worse health now when our fight with Zarkon is coming closer”

Slowly, Keith’s eyes narrowed as he folded his arms over his chest. The look of disapproval made Shiro feel even more uncertain. There was something about Keith, something different from the rest than the paladins except for the fact that he too held secrets. In a way, Keith was the only man who made him feel uncertain in his leadership, yet the one he trusted above all. He had shown more than once to have the qualities of a leader, which was the reason for Shiro asking him to take his place if something happened. For he knew that something would happen to him soon. Besides, he knew that Keith could be a better leader than himself if he only calmed down his flaming temperament. 

“If that’s your reasoning you should be in bed too” the voice once again woke Shiro up from his deep thoughts and only now noticed that he had been staring into the other’s eyes for far too long. Quickly he turned his eyes to the wall, his heart hammering for a reason he could not grasp. “Stop lying to me” the words made Shiro frown even more, his stomach now aching. How could he tell? he wondered silently. 

“Really, don’t worry about me!” he insisted, smiling as he once again turned to look at Keith, the man he saw as his best friend. How sad wasn’t it to be unable to speak to the man you saw as the one closest to you? If only he dared to share his fears, to tell Keith all the thoughts he had hidden so deep within his heart. But if he did, wouldn’t he be looked down upon? Who would want a friend like him? A monster? No one. 

A loud, frustrated groan suddenly echoed between the walls, and before Shiro could prevent it, Keith was pressing him into the wall. With a threatening look, Keith looked into his eyes and Shiro felt a shiver going through his spine. He knew that he could break free at any second, but for some reason the other’s look kept him there, kept him captive as the hand on his shoulder hardened its grip. 

“Shiro!” once again Keith’s voice rung through the halls and Shiro flinched at the harshness of it. “Stop locking yourself away from everyone! Don’t you think I see your damn eyes looking so distant?! Fucking hell I can see that something troubles you! We are your team, so stop having secrets!”

Shock by the sudden aggressive voice and those eyes burning with a fierce fire, Shiro found himself shivering. From where this force came from, he did not know since all he knew was that this closeness, Keith’s determination, it all made his own strength falter. Perhaps it was the unavoidable darkness of the night that made him so vulnerable despite being able to handle similar situation without getting so weak. Or maybe it was Keith? 

Before Shiro could think more of what to answer, Keith groaned yet again as he pressed Shiro harder against the cold metal of the wall. “Just tell me and stop acting as if you’re alright!” his voice grew louder, harsher as the anger within those eyes grow hotter, making Shiro ache. Guilt filled his heart as he saw it all, and he opened his mouth to speak, but was quickly interrupted. “Don’t you know that it fucking hurts?” he asked, this time slightly lower, but his voice was still harsh, cold. 

“I don’t mean to hurt you…” the guilt intensified within Shiro until he could take it no more. Seeing Keith angry saddened him, and for some reason he could not place his finger on, he felt hurt by this anger. Why, though? 

“But you do, Shiro…” Keith’s voice was once again calmer, but still tense as the grip of Shiro’s shoulder loosened. Suddenly, the other looked down on the ground, hiding his eyes from the other. His breaths were weak, and Shiro noticed to his own surprise that Keith was shivering. 

“You have helped me so much…” the red paladin continued in the same, tense voice. “You have made me calm down and see the potential I have once I actually take some deep breaths. You supported me, and showed me kindness despite being Galra… No form of comments like Hunk or Lance... You just accept and see me no differently…”, once again he paused, yet this time it was to look up at Shiro whose heart hammered by the words that were spoken. Did Keith feel like that? Of course he had understood that Keith suffered greatly getting used to the fact that he was some part Galra and that he was scared, but this still came as a surprise.

“Hell, you’ve supported me since the very start… I would never have found my lion if it weren’t for you...” as he finished, the hand on Shiro’s shoulder finally slid down until the two of them just stood, looking into each other’s eyes. His heart hammered even greater as he once again felt the connection between them, the connection that made him feel his heart hammering with an odd desire to keep this man in his life, to never let him go. These kind of feelings were new to Shiro as he had never experienced any sort of affection part form friendship, or the feeling of family. This all was something new that he could never truly place a finger on. All he knew was that he had no clue what to do, and that he had to say something now unless he wanted to lose the connection with Keith that he wanted to be stronger. 

“Don’t give me credit for all that…” he blurted out in panic, his voice uncertain, unsteady. He wanted to laugh at his own inability to speak like normal people, but simply found himself desperate to say more, to speak even when his stomach kept aching. “You are amazing, Keith, and I have nothing to do with that… All I did was to encourage you, that’s all” he felt a warmth so soft on his cheeks, a blush of embarrassment. 

A deep sigh interrupted Shiro, and as he regained focus, he noticed that Keith was smiling almost sadly at him. Confused he frowned once more. “You keep saying that I’m amazing…” Keith said quietly, “You give all of us so many complements and I know that you really feel that way, too… But stop saying it to me, alright?”. As Shiro’s eyes widened in confusion, Keith simply looked at him with the same sad, almost disappointed look. What had he been hoping for? Because that was what Shiro now saw in Keith’s eyes, a crushed hope that Keith seemed to try to shove away with little success. 

For a while, the two of them just looked at each other. With their bodies so close, the tension in the air made it hard to breathe, and for Shiro hard to think. His raising pulse and beating heart confused him, made him unable to think logically of the situation he was in.  
Slowly, Keith took a step back. The distance between them seemed to echo as Shiro’s confused eyes met those filled with resignation. Such a look of hopelessness kept aching within him as he wanted to speak, opened his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. He didn’t know what to say or do to save what somehow had been lost. How was he supposed to save something he had no clue how he broke?

“Do you know what, Shiro?” Keith’s voice was cold, distant as he spoke, “You’re blind… You’re an amazing leader, but you’re truly blind…”

As he turned to leave, to walk away unfixed, Shiro could not keep quiet any more. Quickly he stepped forwards and took a hold of the other’s wrist, trying to make him stay so that he could fix everything, mend what had been broken. “Don’t” he said, fumbling helplessly for the right words to say, “I’m sorry for whatever I have done wrong… I know I do a lot wrong and I wish I didn’t, but I can’t know everything… I wish I knew, but I can’t… I’m sorry…”

As he spoke, Keith’s eyes seemed to gain back that hurt anger from earlier, and he ripped his arm out from Shiro’s grip. Losing the hold of Keith was like once again getting reminded of his failure, of what he had already done so terribly wrong. 

“You keep speaking as if you’re going to disappear soon… Asking me to take care of Voltron once you’re gone…” the words echoed between the walls, and within Shiro’s aching heart. “You’re so determined that you will one day disappear so you act recklessly when it comes to yourself! Do you even know how much that hurts?”

Shiro froze where he stood. Hearing Keith speak like that was shocking, telling him that it hurt like that. Somehow, it made his heart hammer widely even when his stomach kept aching as if the thick air surrounding them was knives cutting through his flesh. The words that were spoken, he did not understand them, he really could not even grasp the meaning behind them. 

“Good night, Shiro” With those last words, Keith took the last steps back before he started to walk towards his room. All Shiro could do was to watch him leave with his tongue tied, and his heart filled with regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how much else I will be able to write, but I'm super into Sheith right now!  
> Therefore if you want more or anything likely, please tell me!  
> Also, I have already written 2 more chapters so it won't be long before next update!


	2. What can I do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention that this was first planned to be a shorter fic, so that's why it's rushed!  
> Sorry!

A couple of days passed after Keith’s confrontation. Since then, he had avoided Shiro with all that he had, and had ignored Shiro’s attempts for interaction. The others noticed the cold atmosphere, but decided to say nothing as they had no clue what was going on between those that usually had the easiest time talking to each other. One day, Shiro decided that he could not hold this up any more. During his sleepless nights where he had paced back and forwards, he had tried to figure out a way for him to fix everything, to solve the situation, but he still didn’t know the cause for all the pain that he had stowed upon Keith. In the end, he realised that he could not do it alone. For the first time, he would have to talk to the other members about what truly troubled his heart, what truly filled his mind even as his heart begged him not to. To do this, he had decided to speak with the rest of the paladins while Keith was busy talking to Coran who acted as distraction on request by Shiro. Nervously, he stood before his fellow paladins. 

“So, I called you here today… Because I need your help” he started as he looked into the three youngster’s eyes, seeing the confusion that reflected his own. A nervousness had entered his heart, and he felt how his human hand shivered by the tension that had built up within him during these days of anxiety. To do this for him was something huge, yet he did not see this as a way of helping himself. Instead, asking for help like that was for Keith’s sake, not his own. At least that was what he tried to tell himself since doing it for his own sake would result in him not doing it at all. This was for the greater good. 

“Shiro, help?! That’s a first!” Lance exclaimed, his confusion greater and more obvious than the rest whom stood in silence. The violent reaction made Shiro once again doubt his choices, wondering whether he would have done better if he did not do this at all. For he could not grasp what he wanted out from this. He did not know what his goal was other than helping Keith, make him once again approach him without that look of painful frustration.

Before he could explain himself further, Pidge spoke up, her eyes as worried as the rest. “Shut up, Lance. Shiro doesn’t ask for help often so please try to be sensitive for once” she muttered towards the brown haired man before her eyes turned towards Shiro’s once again, “What can we do for you?”

The question made Shiro realise the actual reality of the situation, and the nervousness he never thought could grow, grew. How was he supposed to ask such a ridiculous question? With a deep sigh, he scratched the back of his neck as he tried to figure out the right wording. All of this was so strange to him, and he really had no clue what he could do for the others to see the struggle within his mind. Perhaps, it was better to leave it vague.  
“Thank you, Pidge… Anyway, you know, Keith have been acting cold towards me for the last couple of days?” he paused for a moment only to see that the three people before him nodded in agreement, something that made him a bit more comfortable in continuing despite his nervousness. “Well, for a few days ago we had, or not really we had, but he told me some things… And I can’t understand what I did, or more I can’t really figure out the situation?” he found himself ranting, and quickly interrupted himself with a sigh. If he wanted to make himself clear, he would have to be clear in his explanation. Yet, how could he be clear without telling too much? How could he be clear when he did not understand anything himself? 

“Sorry if this all seems weird to you, but I have trouble understanding situations between people when I am in the middle of it. I can easily solve problems if I’m an observer of the situation, but not when I am involved in it like this” he explained, his eyes on the ground as he found himself unable to look at them, too scared to be ridiculed. The great leader of Voltron, the one that always had the answer, not being able to read some situations. Just thinking about it like that made his stomach churn as he was worried that they would see the pure incompetence within him. “That’s why I need your help to figure out what I did wrong so I can make Keith forgive me… I don’t want him to be angry at me, I can’t have that…”

As the silence stretched on, filled with confusion, and from the other’s view, shock, Lance was the first to break the uncomfortable air. “Y’know sometimes Keith’s just mad without any real reason behind it?” he said with a shrug and Shiro looked at him, intensely listening to what he had to say, despite how hard it was for him to actually take in what was being said. “He’s a grump and has a bad temperament! I shouldn’t worry too much if I were you”

Shiro was just about to answer Lance, asking what he could possibly mean by that as Hunk spoke instead. “No, this doesn’t really sound like that sort of thing… Besides, he’s mostly just angry at you, Lance, because you keep bothering him” he said more turned towards Lance than Shiro. This kind of bickering was common between the team members so Shiro took no greater notice of it as he simply watched with the same, distant sadness. They acted so naturally towards each other, and Shiro could only feel the same anxiety of doing something wrong. 

“Yeah, I wouldn’t say it’s that either…” Pidge spoke, her eyes focused on Shiro whom still felt his stomach aching in confusion. “Anyway, Shiro, what did he say to you? Please tell us as much as you feel comfortable with so we can properly find the problem.” 

As all of them went quiet to wait for his response, Shiro swallowed harshly. Now the question was how much of the situation he could share without it neither putting Keith in bad light nor reveal some information they did not know. After all, Shiro did not quite want to tell the others about his great premonition that his end was nigh. In the end, he just decided to say what he was comfortable telling without holding back as he had been lying to everyone enough as it was. They deserved the truth more than anyone, and so did Keith. Wasn’t that what friends did? 

“Well, first of all he was angry at me for not taking care… He said that I keep my eyes on all of you, making sure you are in top form without really caring for myself… I must say that this is true for reasons I can’t quite go into right now… Anyway… He said that I was blind…”. Now Shiro had to pause, his eyes showing the slight desperation in his heart. All he wanted was for them to understand, to help him out of the horrible situation he had somehow gotten into, one he could see no end of. “He doesn’t want me to lock myself away from everyone anymore…” he felt the pain in his heart only increase as he finally put words to what had happened, words which he hoped were not true, but that still were. If only he had been better than this. “He also said that I’ve done so much for him while I have in fact not…” he felt his voice growing weaker, his shoulders shivering, and he still did not dare to meet the others’ eyes. What did they think of him now? 

Once again the silence stretched on where all Shiro could do was to look down on the ground, waiting for the reaction to his long rant. Each second seemed to last an hour as he heard his heartbeats steadily in his ears. Oh, how hard it was beating in the nervousness that made his human hand sweat. Human emotions like these seemed so distant to Shiro, so for him to feel them wrecking his mind, it made him once again realise how little of his human self was left. All he had now were these emotions, and his need for closeness. 

“Bro… It kinda sounds like Keith have a crush on you…” Hunk finally spoke, tightly followed by Lance. “And it sounds like you have a crush on him!”

Shiro quickly looked up in surprise only to see that the rest of the paladins were smiling softly, kindly at his incompetence. Why were they smiling when this was no laughing matter at all? For a second he feared that they were making fun out of him, poking at the problems he finally threw out in the open “What?” he had to ask in a voice tense with fear, still shivering so softly in the nervousness of having made yet another mistake. After all, the last thing he deserved was to fall in love. 

“It sounds like you guys have some romantic problems~” Lance continued, and the kind smile on his lips slowly turned more teasing as he spoke, making Shiro blush furiously in an embarrassment he could not place. “Little Shiro has a crush and doesn’t know how to handle it~ Oh! The forbidden love between the Galra and his prisoner!”

Before Lance could say something more ridiculous, Pidge punched the side of his stomach before he turned towards Shiro. For a moment, the youngest paladin just looked at him, almost examining the embarrassed look upon his pale face. “Despite Lance being insensitive, I must actually agree” she said in the end, and a hint of excitement suddenly made her eyes sparkle, “How did you feel during that talk?”

“I… I felt hurt?” Shiro more asked than stated, not believing why it was necessary as all he could do was to hear what the others said in absolute shock. He had never even considered the fact that he had fallen in love with Keith, and to hear the others believing that Keith had fallen in love with him made his heart hammer in something he almost thought was joy. Why did he suddenly feel so warm? Whatever the reason was, he could not deny that he enjoyed the feeling of the pain in his stomach slowly dissolving into the fluttering of butterflies. Yet, he could not help but feeling that he should not be allowed to fall in love, and especially not to have someone love him. After all he had done, he deserved nothing while Keith deserved the universe. Compared to Keith, Shiro was no one so to even think he had a chance was completely insane. Somewhere within him, he did feel a ray of hope despite it all. 

“Such great detail” Pidge sighed and shook her head, her hair bouncing softly as she did. “Anyway, it is obvious by your words that Keith at least feel something strong for you, whatever that might be… How do you feel for Keith?”

Once again he felt as if he was peppered by the question, caught off guard for each that were asked. How did he feel for Keith? It was such a direct question, yet one he had not really thought of himself, at least not like this. Keith had always been a close friend and he truly admired everything he did, but to see him as someone closer, as a lover, it was odd. Before Voltron, before he even went on the mission that lead to him being captured by the Galra for the first time, he had never really had a relationship. Sure, he had had some girlfriends here and there as anyone, but none that made his heart flutter and his body to ache. In a way, he had spent all of his youth studying to become a pilot that he had forgotten how it was to be young and after his year in captivity, that feeling had vanished. He could not remember that year fully, but nevertheless it damaged him, had made him even more distant to that sort of attraction. Yet, now, had he actually found someone he liked like that? Once again he wondered whether he had the right to do this. 

“I—I don’t know…” he almost stuttered slightly at the distant feeling that filled his heart and his mind. “If I’m honest, I can’t remember much about relationships like that… All I know is that I blindly trust Keith, and that I want him to be happy… When he said that I hurt him I felt—… I felt an unimaginable pain… I felt as if I was a failure, and it lead me to talk to you guys because I can’t handle him ignoring me as he is right now… Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I wouldn’t come to you if I had a problem… It’s just that I’m awful at asking for help, yet now managed to because I can’t… Not like this…” 

A soft snicker interrupted his speech, and Shiro quickly looked up only to notice that Lance was once again grinning in the most teasing way. Fear filled his heart as he heard the dreadful sound, and he resisted the urge to cover his ears, to hide away from what he had started so recklessly. This had been a bad idea, there were no doubts about that and his mind kept repeating it over, and over again. Yet, the grin quickly vanished as Hunk was the one to jab his elbow into Lance’s side to make him shut his mouth. Why? 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Lance quickly exclaimed as Pidge seemed eager to jab her elbow into him as well. With the apology, Shiro’s panic seemed to calm down once again as he now could see something close to care within their eyes. It baffled him. “But, seriously! No one can deny that Shiro is super gay for Keith! We seriously need to do something here! Like, fix a date for them where Shiro can confess~”

“Yeah, and I can cook the dinner!” Hunk exclaimed, and even he seemed to have caught up on the excitement that made all of them smile, except for Shiro whom still felt so awfully nervous that he could barely breathe. Everything was going into a new direction, rolling with the strength of the snowball effect and he had no clue how he could stop it. 

“We could fix some lightning and some mood! I bet I could even make some sort of player that creates a better atmosphere! Then we would have the perfect set up date!”

“Then it’s settled~” Pidge agreed and Shiro simply found himself standing, flabbergasted at the others’ excitement and joy in helping him. Even if he was grateful for their help, he could still not deny the fact that he was worried that their excitement would end up with more pain than joy. What if Shiro could not handle human emotions in the end? What if Keith did respond positively to this confession they wanted, and then Shiro could not live up to what was expected of him? Within him he felt this fear of losing someone he held so dear, and no matter whether the others were right as they said that he was in love, he still needed Keith in his life, somehow, anyhow. So, how could he fix this without completely wrecking it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned in the start of this chapter, I was first considering to make this into a shorter fic which would end in about 1-3 chapters. This is because I wrote this all in one energy spike without even thinking of publishing it in the first place.  
> Anyway, point being: if anyone would like, I could make this thing longer and include a lot more slow burning and angst.  
> Pros of that is more story, and cons are that it'll take longer time.  
> Therefore, please do tell me what you want!  
> If I get no answers, I will go with my initial plan.  
> Thank you so much for the complements on the first chapter and for reading!  
> I hope I won't disappoint you with my bad writing...  
> || EDIT: Next chapter will be out in a week!! ||


	3. Will I succeed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, next part is up a bit sooner than I planned!  
> Hope you like it!

Everyone kept deciding over his head. Planning, building, whispering in hushed voices whenever they thought that Keith was not around. They kept speaking of their great plan excitedly, but Shiro simply felt as if he was a pawn in their game. Here, there, now you say this, now you say that. It drove him insane as it made him even more nervous, even more scared of making a mistake that would end up with him getting even more hated by Keith than before. If only he had the same competence as the rest when it came to interactions like these, then he would never have to sit there, silent without a chance of speaking a word. Connecting as they did was so unfamiliar to him, and the hollowness of his heart seemed to grow for each hour that passed, and for every time they corrected his way of speaking. All he wanted in the first place was to do what was right, but this seemed to go towards a direction which he could not control. A place which he could not see for himself as the warmth of a loving relationship never again could touch his heart. Or so he thought as he sat there, feeling his aching heart throb. 

“Shiro!” Hunk’s voice woke Shiro from his thoughts, and he turned towards the male with a slight smile. In a way, he still felt gratitude towards the others and their will to help him. Therefore, he had decided to show his gratitude despite his dark, gloomy mood. Why should his feelings ruin their joy? 

“What is it?” he wondered, so tired of constantly walking around, hearing the whispers behind his back. Just knowing that they were talking about him, expecting him to follow along without a complaint, it was so exhausting that he was considering cutting it all off. Perhaps it would be better if Keith never knew, and if they just stayed apart. If he was honest, it seemed as if Keith was happier without him around for all the times he had seen Keith with someone else, he had been smiling. Smiling… Quickly he bit the inside of his cheek to get rid off the thought, and instead focus on the other paladins’ excitement rather than his own doubts. 

“You okay, man?” It was the first time someone asked him this during their days of preparation, so he had no immediate answer. Everyone had just expected that he would be excited as well since he was finally going to get together with the one he loved. Despite their inability to see his worries, he still wanted to be honest with them to prove himself. With a soft sigh, he shook his head. 

“No, Hunk” he said, his voice low as he did not want to hide his true emotions about the whole situation, but still not awake any further complications for the others. Being honest was what Keith had wanted from him, not the faking which he had done before. If only he could be that honest, he thought distantly. “I don’t know if I can do this” he continued after a while with a slight look towards the rest of the group that was huddled by Pidge’s computer. Judging by the screen, they were planning position in the castle so that everyone could see what was going to happen. 

Hunk glanced over at the rest before he focused on Shiro once more. For why he did that, Shiro did not quite understand, but it seemed as if Hunk was searching for something within his eyes. What was he looking for? All Shiro knew himself was that he must look tired, absolutely exhausted after everything that had been happening, and all the voices that laughed so excitedly. Nowadays, his stomach ached constantly, and he found himself sitting, staring into the wall with his eyes filled with thoughts, and worries. A distant look which no one had noticed thus far. 

“You can do it…” Hunk’s voice was reassuring, and a kind smile was seen on his lips. That look of kindness could not go unanswered as even Shiro found himself smiling back at the sweet look. Why had he not taken their help earlier with other things? They were all so kind despite their insensitive behaving when it came to this situation for no matter what they had been there, they had not laughed, except for Lance, but that was just how he was. Nevertheless, they seemed happy to help, and he wanted their happiness more than his own. 

“Shiro… No matter what we’re here for you, ‘kay?” the calming words settled Shiro slightly, but he still felt as if he was bound to fail their master plan. “We all are…”

“Thank you…” Shiro could say no more. The gratitude he felt towards his fellow paladins was great and warm which was another reason for him to feel guilt. His nervousness almost seemed ungrateful after all they had done, and to fail would deepen that even further than he already had. Asking for help was such a difficult thing to do, so to deny it now would be like taking one step forwards and two steps back again. 

Suddenly, he realised that the room was awfully silent. A tension filled the air as the voices from across the room had silenced so that nothing else could be heard but their silent breaths. Everyone was looking at him again, their eyes searching as they seemed to think, trying to figure out something which he had no clue of what. In the silence, he could see that both Coran and Pidge seemed to measure him with their eyes, occasionally nodding as if they had a conversation he could not hear. At last, he could take the silence no more.

“What?” he asked, and even Hunk seemed confused at their intense gaze and thoughtful pouts. 

“We’re just wondering how to dress you up” Coran was the one to speak this time as Pidge had turned back to her screen once more, seeming to type in some sort of code which Shiro could not distinguish on a distance. “Since we’re going for the date kind of thing, in a way, we want you to have decent clothes for the occasion! Pidge says that going natural is the best while I suggested a more traditional Altean clothing which I know we have somewhere in the castle. If you wore that, some would even call you handsome!”

“I told you, Coran, Shiro is already pretty handsome as he is so dressing up would make it awkward instead!” Pidge interrupted with his complement, and Shiro found himself once again softly blushing. Never before had he thought of himself as handsome, or good looking in any way. Sure, he had been told that he was occasionally back at Earth, but he had never taken it to his heart. The only complements he could accept were those of his abilities since he felt that he had earned them by hard work, and looks was something no one could control. So to get compliments for that had never been something to put thought into. At least up until now. Now, he could not deny that it made his stomach once again flutter with excitement, and ache with nervousness in a contrast he had come to dislike. If Pidge saw him as handsome, would Keith think so as well? The mere thought made his blush increase, and his heart to hammer even wilder. 

“Shiro is handsome!” Lance suddenly agreed, but quickly added, “Not more handsome than me of course, but he wants to get with Keith and yeah Keith is how he is! Anyway, I still think we need to style him some! Like, fix his hair, his clothes and all that! Just not all Altean! After all, Keith is human and so is Shiro! Shiro should be himself and show his true face, not completely act on our whims!”

For a moment the room was silent in surprise over the fact that Lance of all people had said both kind words as well as actual, useful tips. But the silence did not last long. As soon as the words had sunken in, everyone once again started babbling, though this time even Hunk joined to let Shiro sit alone in his silence. In the end, they decided to let Shiro stay in his usual clothing, and only style his hair by combing it back with the help of some sort of gel which would hold it in place instead of hairspray from Earth. While Pidge sat to fix his hair, everyone else left to fix what remained including the dinner that somehow had to be cooked as the rest distracted Keith for the moment. 

“I don’t get why I need to fix the hair!” Pidge mumbled as she was combing the little streak of white hair on Shiro’s head. “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I know everything about styling… Couldn’t Coran do this!? He seems to know how to do hair! Or Allura!”

Despite still feeling awkward about the whole situation, Shiro still felt obliged to answer to Pidge’s frustrated mumbling. Yet, he could not figure out a reply as all he could think of was Keith and the fact that his meeting with him was coming closer for each moment that passed. Would Keith even be willing to see him in the first place? The question seemed to hang in the air, swimming around in his head until he could barely breathe. For all these days of planning, Keith had been kept away from him. By constantly having him distracted, Shiro had barely gotten the opportunity to see him and once he did, he was blatantly ignored. Instead, Keith had gone to train, gone out on missions with another paladin, or been put on cleaning duty. All these things, and Shiro was terrified for Keith to notice what was going on, or take it in the wrong way. Had he already taken it wrong? Was that why he refused to even speak to him? 

After some time Pidge had finally taken control of that little tuff of hair that never seemed to obey, and sighed as she leant back, admiring her work. “Are you ready?” she asked excitedly, and Shiro could see the joy she had put into this work, into this evening that was supposed to be splendid, to meet all points of perfection. “You know what you’re supposed to do or shall I tell you the plan once again?” she quickly added as Shiro’s silence stretched on. He still found himself unable to speak much more than a few quick sentences as he was scared that if he talked too much, he would disappoint everyone. 

“Tell me again…” he ended up saying with a shivering voice that he tried so hard to make sound calm. Even the smile on his lips seemed to be shivering with the anxiety that made his mind dark with doubts, and with fears. 

“Of course!” Pidge seemed happy to once again explain her perfect plan, and Shiro decided to try his best to listen this time without completely panicking and turning his attention elsewhere. 

“So, first and foremost we will have everything set up where we tend to eat! We couldn’t find candles, but I managed to dim the lights in the room, and I made sure to have them just slightly flickering to give the sense of fire! Cool, right?!” Pidge paused in her explanation, and Shiro nodded to show his approval. It seemed to suffice as she once again started to talk. “Hunk has cooked you a dinner which will be ready and put on the table in nice Altean fashion since Coran was so stubborn with doing it… Can’t deny it looks neat, though! Anyway, Lance will bring Keith to the hall where you will be waiting~ Once he’s there you are to act softly oblivious to the situation, but truthfully apologise by saying ‘Keith… I’m sorry for what happened earlier… I made a mistake, and I intend to correct it… I have arranged a dinner so please eat with me! I have something to tell you…’ then blah, blah, blah, normal chat before BAM! You confess~ We have already discussed subjects that you can talk about so I don’t have to go through that again!”. 

By the time she had finished talking, the pain within him had grown. A rock of worry and doubts had taken its place in the bottom of his stomach, making it hard for Shiro to swallow down his fears. Everything seemed to spin around, mash up into a horrible porridge in his head where he could not distinguish one thing from another, one moment from the next, nor one subject from another. Yet, despite this all he managed a smile towards Pidge, and nodded. The time for the meeting was upon him, and he should now face it with no regrets. With this determination, he would succeed, he thought as Pidge now started to lead him towards the meeting location while softly talking about how excited she was, how much she wished for this to succeed. Hearing her speak like that did not calm him down still as he instead felt the pressure grow heavier. 

Suddenly, he was left alone. Pidge gave him once last wave before disappearing around the corner and in the dim light, he realised where he was in the plan. This was the moment they had all been waiting for. In one way, he wondered if he actually looked forwards to it as much as the others. Either this moment could be of joy where he fulfilled what they had planned, or it could be a disaster where he would push everyone away even further. If he failed, would he ever regain their trust? Could he even continue as a leader if the others saw him fail such an easy task that any human could finish with ease? Before he could think much more, he heard the sound of steps echoing towards him. 

The sound of footsteps came closer. 

He heard distant voices echo hollowly through the corridors. 

Keith sounded bothered, Lance excited, but he could not distinguish any words.

One pair of footsteps hurried away while the other stood still.

Silence. 

An echoing, long silence. 

Why wasn’t Keith coming? 

Shiro could not take it any more. Everything, all they had done was to help him, yet he couldn’t stick to the plan. Quickly he hurried towards the doorway and the hall Keith was supposed to come through. In the distance he saw him, standing in the end of the corridor with a troubled look on his handsome face. The sight made his breath get stuck in his throat, thick as water it made it hard to breathe. Breathlessly he could not help his heart from stopping by the mere sight of him. 

“Keith” before knowing it, Shiro had said his name in his usual, calm voice. Unaware, he had broken the plan and as he met Keith’s eyes. He felt how his whole body seemed to shake, tense up in nervousness as he kept the careful, shy smile on his lips. How had he dared to speak when all of his body pleaded to leave, to get away? 

“I need to talk to you”  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for it being a long build up towards next chapter, but I think I have decided to make this fic a bit longer!  
> So, therefore the "climax" won't be next chap, but some time later~   
> Expect the next part to come fairly soon! Within a week at least!  
> Thank you so much for the nice words and for reading! <3


	4. Did I do it right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the writing is different in this chapter!  
> Just trying stuff out!

_“I need to talk to you”_

The words were heavy on his tongue, and thick in his throat. For a moment it seemed as if they would never roll of his tongue, never reach the end of the hallway where Keith stood, but, they did. And the look on Keith’s face was one of surprise, and mild confusion.

Silence stretched on as Shiro managed to make his legs move forwards to approach Keith despite how he wanted to run away from the responsibilities that burdened his broad shoulders, made them heavy. His heart was beating heavily in his chest, but all he could hear was his own footsteps. Step by step, he came closer.

At last he stood before Keith, the distance between them just a few metres as he did not dare to step closer, so scared that he would lose his posture. Once again his lips seemed to have locked themselves, and everything Pidge and the rest had told him only a few minutes ago seemed forgotten. All he knew that this was his last chance to apologise and gain back the friend he had lost.

“What is it?” Keith was the one to speak first, and the impression on his face seemed to be more of slight curiosity than anger. Yet, the furrowed eyebrows, and the rings beneath his eyes told a different story. They told of nights with no sleep, and anger flaming beneath the cold surface so violently that his skin seemed to be boiling. How it hurt to see Keith like that. Angry, hurt.

“I—…” The words would not come out of his mouth. He opened it, only to close it once again as those mesmerising eyes before him caught him in a trap. Caught between never speaking again and losing Keith forever, or speaking but risk to fail worse than he ever had. The choices rung in his head, made him nauseous as his human hand once again shivered by the gravity of the situation.

“I’m sorry…” At last the words escaped, and when the first barrier was broken, more words seemed to be able to come out. Feelings he had long since drowned, resurfaced, made him more and more desperate to make amends, but more than that to get close to Keith once more. There were no doubts that he loved him with all of his heart, held the human emotion so pure within him that it seemed to break him down. Despite these warm feelings he was fully aware of, he just could not get it out. The first step was to made amends in their friendship. After all, he was not supposed to feel this kind of affection, he did not deserve it, and he never had, not even when he was back at Earth.

“I’m sorry for the mistakes I have made, and for letting you down…” he continued, his voice breathless with anxiety. “I know that you said that I shouldn’t have this pressure on me, and shouldn’t blame myself for everything I do, but I can’t help it… I feel like a monster—I am a monster… No matter what you all tell me, I can’t look past that…”

The more he spoke, the more he shivered and his desperation made his voice less calm than it ever had, it made him feel vulnerable. Yet, the shocked look in Keith’s eyes made him continue to speak, to put all his cards on the table despite how scared he was that by doing so, he finally showed Keith who he had become.

“The year in prison changed me, Keith… I am not the person I was back at Garrison, and that person won’t ever come back… Hell, I have the feeling that I will be gone soon…” his hand was wet with sweat as he averted his gaze from Keith, looked down into the floor since he was too scared to see the look the other had on his face when he spoke of these matters that ached within him. “That’s why I ask you to lead Voltron once I’m gone… Because I know that I will be soon enough… I am fighting to stay here, I am! Don’t ever doubt that I won’t fight to stay alive! After all, I don’t want to let you all down…”

His voice seemed to make the air vibrate with tension as he kept his eyes on the ground, awaiting any kind of response from Keith. All he heard was the even breaths mixed with his own shaking ones, and he bit the inside of his cheek harshly to keep himself from showing even more weakness than he already was.

“Shiro…” Keith’s voice was a nothing but a mere whisper. Bracing himself for whatever Keith had to say, he stayed still, stayed silent except for the sound of his breaths. After a little while more of silence, he dared to look up only to see Keith’s face. Seeing it hurt. It was filled with a frustration so clear, so blazing that Shiro had to bite his cheek harsher so that he would not run away. The iron taste of blood spread through hid mind, made him feel nauseous in the midst of his anxiety. Yet, there was something else in his eyes, something different.

“Why does your hair look like that?” The question came completely out of the blue, and only then Shiro remembered his slicked back hair. Quickly he raised his hand and ruffled his hair to gain back his usual look, embarrassed to be seen with the style Pidge had fixed for him. He could even hear her in his head, displeased with completely ignoring the work she had put into this all. There were no doubts that everyone would end up disappointed with the outcome, and that fact stung.

“Pidge… She had fun with it and tried to make me look good” he said, the blush returning to his pale cheeks as he felt how they heated up in his embarrassment. Only now he realised that all of this was pretty embarrassing if one looked past the anxiety and the worries.

“It doesn’t fit you…” Keith said, and once again Shiro found himself aching as he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. Nothing went according to plan, but the fact that Keith now spoke to him made his heart settle the tiniest bit. Perhaps, this was a good sign.

“Yeah… I figured—“A soft, uncertain chuckle escaped Shiro as he kept cursing at himself for being so ridiculous, but more than that for feeling so hurt by the fact that Keith had not enjoyed his looks and not seen him as “handsome”. Usually, he never thought of his own looks nor how people saw him, but when it came to Keith, it was a whole other deal. Everything was different with Keith…

“Let me fix it…” Suddenly, Shiro’s heart that had just started to beat calming, started to speed up once more as Keith said something like that. The distance between them grew smaller as Keith stepped forwards, raising his arms to fix the white mess of hair on his head. Feeling the fingers working through the odd gel, feeling it straighten out before being laid back on place by Keith, it was so different from when Pidge had done it. Now, he felt his heart racing, felt how Keith’s fingers put fire to his skin, and to his heart. Having him so close, feeling his breaths against his skin, it made him tremble with a sort of indescribable joy. At last, he felt Keith close, he heard him speak, and he saw him smirk in the amusement Shiro’s odd hair must have given him.

But, as soon as the moment started, it ended. Keith took a step back, and the vibrating warmth disappeared along with the comfortable feeling of hands in his hair that were not rough, but caring. Yet, he felt the soft warmth linger on his skin for just a little while longer, as he noticed something odd on Keith’s expression. For a moment, it seemed as if Keith had experienced the same thrilling excitement as himself. Why, though? Why did he look as if he, too, wanted to step closer?

“There…” Keith mumbled, the smirk once again tugging at the corners of his lips.

If only Keith knew how handsome he was, Shiro thought distantly. “Thanks…” the older man finally manage to mumble, a kind, warm, smile on his lips. In a way, it was odd to smile so genuinely after faking for such a long time, but it did feel nice. Way too nice.

“Don’t mention it…” Keith spoke, but before the silence once again stretched out for too long, he spoke up again. Seeming to hesitant before speaking, with a more serious look upon his face. In a way it once again made his heart ache with the familiar feeling of dread.

“Seriously, Shiro… All I ask of you is to come if you want or need help… We are here to help you, I am here to help you… So, accept that at least…” Keith glanced up on Shiro, and Shiro felt how his heart skipped a beat by the concerned look on his face that was hidden beneath the grumpy facade. “And—… I—We won’t let anything happen to you, alright? Stop walking around as if you’re a dead man walking…. We all will fight for you to live so don’t talk bullshit!”

The last words rung out with strength, and determination. Echoing between the walls, it made Shiro unable to deny the request, and instead he nodded slowly. He still felt the dread within him and the feeling of coming closer to the end, but he chose to ignore it. For everyone’s sake, he would have to be honest, he would have to take a deep breath, and let out his feelings. At least to Keith as Keith was the only one who did not look up to him blindly, but let him be his own. With Keith, he was not put on a pedestal for once as the flawless leader, a role Shiro felt himself unfit for.

“I will try…” he said and Keith seemed happy with the response except for that one look in his eyes that Shiro could not figure out. It was just a fleeting spark of something different, but gone in the next moment as if Keith was not fully aware of it himself. “I can’t handle how you have distanced yourself from me… I can’t do that. Therefore I will be honest with you, and with the others… I’m still sorry that it took such a long time”

A sigh floated out from Keith whom gently punched his side, a sad look upon his face. “I’m just glad you realised my point… I’m just—I’m sorry, too…” his voice was so pleasant to hear after such a long time of silence, and to see the smile turned towards him, it was blissful. “I was just so angry at you… I couldn’t approach you… Anyway! I think it was necessary!”

Another chuckle floated out from Shiro, and he was surprised himself that it came out so naturally. Again, he could smile with the gentleness he was known for, and he did not feel forced to do it. Instead, he did it with joy, especially considering the fact that Keith’s expression seemed to melt by the warmth he showed. Just seeing the usually cold, distant face turn into that sort of softness, it made his heart swell despite how he wished so deeply for so much more.

“You are right…” Shiro ended up saying before he remembered the perfectly prepared room he had left behind. Going there now, somehow the thought frightened him as he stood there, trying to figure out his next course of action. Instead, he nodded towards their rooms instead as his hand was resting softly on his neck. “It’s pretty late…” he said, now smiling more apologising, “It is better to sleep now that I can finally relax…”

Keith seemed to agree with the suggestion, and together they walked towards their chambers in a comfortable silence which Shiro enjoyed truthfully. There was no need for talking as they simply enjoyed the company for now as they walked, leaving behind the room and the rest of the paladins. For Shiro, it was a step forwards, and one back again. All his cards laid on the table, except for one Joker that he still hid against his chest. One card that would completely change the game.

All he had to do was to keep it hidden, and everything would work out fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for it being very anticlimactic, but I'm saving the biggest moment for chapter 6!   
> I hope you enjoy, and I'm sorry to say that there might be slower updates due to me having barely no energy to write whatsoever. But I will still try my best to finish this!


	5. Will they forgive me?

There was a gaping hole within Shiro. Slowly growing, it seemed to consume him in a deep, empty darkness. Yet, at the edges of the hole, there was responsibility and hope. These two things kept it from growing too big as they kept it under control so that Shiro could do what he was meant to do – lead.

Before his talk with Keith that one evening, the walls that kept the hole from growing had been fragile, on the very edge of completely crumbling in. All his hopes were gone, and it was only his responsibility to lead that kept him alive during those days. It was his feeling of responsibility towards his fellow paladins that made him speak up about his feelings, and apologise to Keith.

But despite that, he had failed his friends. Everyone had worked so hard for him, and yet he had been too scared to do what he was supposed to do. Fear had taken control of him once again and he had to apologise, he had to tell everyone that he was so truly sorry. Yet, in his own way, he was not sorry in the same way he thought he would be. After all, Keith had started to talk to him once again as if nothing had happened, and had even sparred with him more than once.

Being close to Keith once again seemed to erase the dreadful guilt that consumed him as if his warmth melted him, formed him into himself. As the hours passed after his conversation, the anxiety seemed to fade once again, leaving him with an odd, hollow feeling. Knowing that Keith was alright once again made his heart calm down so that he finally stopped hearing the throbbing in his ears.

The following day Shiro decided to watch Keith more closely as he was sitting by the table, quietly listening to the others’ ongoing discussion about their plans. For once, he did not listen to Allura as she explained the teludav once more to them all, nor did he listen to Coran’s explanation of their plan. He knew so well that it was important for it to be flawless, yet he could not take his mind off Keith.

Keith seemed to be a lot happier now, he came to notice. The way he talked, the way he walked, it all showed a greater confidence despite the fact that not everyone had gotten completely used to the fact that Keith was part Galra. Yet, Allura had apologised for the judgemental behaviour she had shown him, and Keith knew that the jokes the others had about him were not meant to harm. Coming to terms with his background seemed to have given him a new sense of focus, and Shiro was honestly happy to see it. Therefore, he decided to never again speak of his feelings after he apologised to those whom had helped him.

Due to the intense training before the last fight with Zarkon, there was not much time to spare and it was difficult to get a hold of them all without Keith noticing. Yet, at last he managed as Keith ran off to take a shower while the rest were still eating.

As soon as Keith left the room, the silence stretched on. Thick with unanswered questions, everyone seemed to wait for the other to start, to address the elephant in the room. Once again, Shiro felt his throat thick with anxiety as his heartbeats echoed in his ears. It was almost funny how fast his anxiety returned by even the smallest worry. 

“I’m sorry everyone…” He managed to say after a while of continued tense silence as he looked straight down into his plate of food. No matter what, he could not bear himself to look into their eyes as he continued to speak. “I’m so sorry for not following you plan… You worked so hard, and I could not fulfil it…” he sighed heavily, “And I just left your food, Hunk…”

“What are you talking about?” Allura was the one to first speak up, and only now Shiro remembered that she had never known of their plans. Quickly he bit the inside of his cheek harshly to keep himself from groaning out in frustration. Why had he decided to speak when she was here?

“First of all: Don't worry about the food, man! Even more for me! Secondly... Eh... w-well” Hunk was the one to speak, his voice hesitant and tense. There was no doubt that he did not know whether he was allowed to tell Allura of everything without Shiro’s permission. In a way, Shiro appreciated the small gesture and the way Hunk always seemed to be so forgiving. “We were going to help Shiro with a thing, but he did not follow our plans… And such… Completely left us stranded and clueless…”

Even more confused than before, Allura frowned as she looked around at them all, seeming to look for information. “What thing?” she asked, though this time her voice was softer than before. “I know I can be rough at times, but I won’t judge you for whatever this ‘thing’ is… Just, please be honest with me…”

Shiro swallowed harshly. There was a reasons he had avoided telling her. She had been the one to react strongly on the revelation that Keith was part Galra, and the way she avoided Keith made Shiro hesitant in telling her. When she avoided Keith so clearly, how could he tell her that he wanted Keith to be more than a friend? That he loved him? Yet now, things had changed when she realised the fault in her ways and it was time that she knew, too.

“This thing…” he started, unsure of how to say it, “Was just the fact that I’m in love with Keith…”

For a few seconds, the silence echoed long and cold between them. Allura looked between them, trying to seek for the hint of a smirk, or anything that told that this was not true. But as she saw nothing, she ended up smiling carefully. It was odd to see that careful smile, Shiro thought as he watched her intently. There was something sad within its depth.  

“Oh, that…” she ended up saying as no one seemed eager to explain the situation further, and she giggled just slightly. “I already knew that…”

“Wait, what?!” Lance was the one to exclaim, and Shiro found himself just sitting in an embarrassed silence.

Once again Allura seemed to giggle in the same almost pleased way. The sad look in her careful smile was gone and instead replaced with something new which Shiro could not quite place. Yet, whatever it was, it made her look more human despite the fact that she was a princess from a long lost culture far different from the ones back on Earth.  

“I’m sorry if this is somehow rude of me, but the mice have already told me that something was up… I didn’t know whether it was true, and I didn’t want to ask considering the fact that I do not want to barge in on something that personal…” the way she talked showed an odd nervousness that made her breath tremble barely noticeably, yet it was definitely there. Shiro’s heart squeezed in anxiety by the mere words, but managed to keeps his face straight without a trace of his inner turmoil.

Lance was quick to interrupt, but even Pidge seemed eager to know more of how the princess could possibly know of such a well-hidden secret. Shiro on other hand felt his heart hammering with the same horrible fear. If Allura knew so easily, did that mean that Keith knew as well? The thought made his hand sweaty, shivering as he had it placed firmly on his lap to prevent it from noticeably moving, revealing his distress.

“It is not rude of you, princess! Or at least I don’t think so…” Pidge said, her voice as uncertain as Allura’s when she continued to speak, laughing slightly. “I’m glad you know! It makes things less awkward!”

“Yeah! Besides, since we need a new plan, Allura could be helpful~” Lance filled in, a soft, flirty smile upon his lips. The looks seemed to make Allura sigh, and the sight made Shiro smile even as his heart had not calmed down in the slightest.

Seeing his friends casually talking like that despite the subject being sensitive was pleasant to Shiro. In a way, he felt as if it deepened their bonds, taking their minds of the pressure in the approaching fight. Yet, there was still the guilt within him even when the others talked so joyfully. For he knew that a new plan for confessing was impossible, that what they wanted was inaccessible. Being that close to Keith would of course be wonderful, but the risks in taking that step forwards could end in a catastrophe. Besides, Keith seemed happy being friends, so Shiro should feel the same, not complaining when he already had more than he could ever ask for.

“Guys, I’m sorry…” he ended up saying, interrupting their happy conversation with his own voice tense, almost anxious. Hoping that he would not disappoint them more than he already had, he took a deep breath to continue speaking as he saw the confused look in their eyes.

“I can’t do a plan again… According to me, the risks are too great to take… Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be close to him, but I can’t, not now…” talking about such intimate things brought a soft blush to his cheek despite how it hurt to speak. “Confessing now, starting something now, it’s a bad idea no matter how Keith might react… We have the fight approaching, and I can’t do that to him. After all, we don’t know how the fight will end, and what if I end up somehow hurt? Or worse? Leaving him with my confession just before is not only harming the aftermath of the fight, but also the fight itself…”

“But—“Coran whom had not said anything during their conversation started, but Shiro was quick to prevent him from saying more. Hearing them argument against him would only hurt more, and he was so sure of his point that their words would not affect him.

“No. There are no arguments against this, and you all know it…” with great effort, he somehow managed a smile at the others, trying to convince them that this was the best idea. “I can promise you, though, that after this all, when and if we win, I will listen to any plan you have. I will try to follow it this time, and perhaps I will manage after the joy of such a win… Just not now when so much is at stake! So, don’t worry about me, alright? Keith is happy like this, and so am I…”

For a while, no one said nothing. Shiro could see the thoughtful look in their eyes, knowing that they tried their best to find any arguments against what he said. Seeing their tightly closed mouths and their sad faces was unpleasant, but necessary no matter how much it hurt. They needed all the attention and strength they had so that they could pilot their lions perfectly without their minds focusing on something else than the fight itself. With a conflict like this laying beneath the surface, no one knew what could happen.

“You’ve got a point…” Allura said, and the others nodded quietly. The five of them smiled at him, their eyes as equally sad as his own despite the way they looked so soft, almost careful. Being met by such a genuine care was astonishing, and he once again wondered how he could ever have deserved such a great team after having failed more than once as a leader. Before Voltron, he had even managed to get Pidge’s family caught, yet she was here, smiling at him with the sweetness of a great friend. How could he ever deserve this? Make it up to her?

“But don’t forget that you owe us, then!” Lance added, his smile twisting into a slightly teasing smirk that made Shiro’s heart settle just slightly as he seemed to have gone back the tiniest bit to his usual self. The sadness was still clear in Lance’s eyes, but it seemed as if he was keeping himself under control by cracking his usual jokes for the sake of their mission. And perhaps even for Shiro’s own sake, which made him once again question how he could be surrounded by such kind people. “If we so make you do the Romeo and Juliet with all the cheesiest lines!”

A soft chuckle escaped Shiro, and he nodded. “Yes, don’t worry about that! You write whatever plan you find fitting, and I will do it if it so is the last thing I do…” he tried his best to sound convincing as he spoke, his voice once again strong and certain, filled with his usual softness. It was the voice he used whenever he wanted to help someone, ensuring them that everything will be fine even if he still felt the dread grow within him, nourishing on his emotional isolation. Once again he was lying for them all, keeping away what he truly felt, but this time he believed that he had no other choice. Everything they had done up until now was soon coming to a conclusion, and he did not want to be in the way. Instead, for the remaining days he should do his outermost to be what they all thought he was, be the leader they deserved, and not the leader he actually was. For just a few days he would have to keep the act up, until it was over. Until Zarkon was defeated.

Yet, the question still remained; would they all survive against the threat that could change the entire universe and all that they had ever known? If he was honest, he did not know, but the lack of faith he had in himself, he put in his team. No matter how little he thought of himself, he knew that they could do it. He knew that everyone had what it took, and that they had the skills to win against Zarkon. After all, he had had the honour to lead them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so terribly sorry for this taking such a long time! School has just been a pain in the ass, and we just had a week of vacation where I took a needed break.  
> Yet, here is the chapter! I'm sorry if it's very boring, but I am not really all that good writing normal conversations...  
> Anyway, the next chapter will hopefully be up much sooner than this one! Depending on whether school murders me...  
> You can find me on tumblr with the url yeahmerule if you just want to ask me something about the fic, or just ask how far I have come in writing the next chapter! I am happy to answer if there are any questions!  
> Thank you for reading this trainwreck of a fic!


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